One of the greatest decisions in life is choosing a lifetime partner. It could be confusing especially for those having more than one interested suitors. This note is a guide on knowing if you are making the right choice or you need to be more patient for your choice. It is to let you look beyond what you see and look deep into the person you wish to marry to know if he is the right one for you.
The first thing you should do as a person seeking for a spouse is to love yourself, know your worth, know what you want and what you need in life. The failure to do this is one of the reasons why many are married to the wrong people that makes life miserable for them. This is why I always say “you are not ready to fall in love or love another If you don’t love yourself because this is the only way you love with sense and choose the best”.
One of the greatest mistakes people make when choosing spouse is ” Not discovering themselves, not knowing what they want and attributes they desire in a prospective spouse” They do not know what love and marriage are all about. Most just want to marry for marrying sake because;
I) Ticking biologic clock. They are getting older, not that they have found someone worthy of them. They forget that not all men are marriageable and compatible for them.
II) Pressure from family and friends. They fail to realize that family and friends won’t be with them when the problem from marrying the wrong man arises.
III) They feel lonely and unhappy. If only they know achieving inner happiness is up to them and in the love and appreciation for Allah’s favor, not any human.
IV) They believe that marriage is the solution to all problems. I will love to tell you, marriage can’t solve all your problems. The solution to most of your problem is within you (efforts and determination to find a solution to it) and Allah (prayers).
Discovering yourself should be your priority, learn more on that and it will give you clarity on finding yourself and purpose. Here are some questions that could be a starting point for knowing what you want, attributes you desire in a spouse and to know if he is worthy of you.
GETTING TO KNOW YOURSELF
1. Do you accept yourself for who you are? What is the flaw that lowers your confidence? How can you overcome the feeling?
2a. Do you love yourself? Can you make decisions for yourself? Do you believe people will make better decisions for you?
2b. Do you know your worth? How will you regain your lost /non-existent value?
3. Are you happy? What makes you happy? How can you find happiness within you?
4. Who is your role model and why?
5. What are you passionate about?
6. What are your strength and weakness?
7. How will you overcome your weakness?
8. What inspires you? How do inspirations impact you?.
9. Are you in a toxic relationship or work environment? Are you in it out of fear or necessity? What are the pros and cons of leaving a toxic environment?
10. Do you believe you deserve better? Do you believe life unfair and you should accept life unfairness without trying to overcome it?
11. What is your definition of love and a healthy relationship? How will you let go of unhealthy relationships for the healthy one?
12. What skills do you have that can earn income? How will you earn income with it?
13. What do you think about failure? How do you handle your mistakes?
14. How do people perceive you? Is your personality good enough? How do you improve yourself to be a better person?
15. WhWhat makes you angry How do you react to anger?
16. What are your life goals? Where do you see yourself in 5years or 10 years from now? How do you plan on achieving your goals?
17. Why do you want to marry? Are you ready for marriage?
GETTING TO KNOW YOUR SPOUSE
1. What do you think about marriage? Which married couples do you admire the most? why?
2. Are you married? Have you been married before?
3. What do you value in a relationship?
4. What makes you angry? How do you react to anger?
5a. What is your goal and dream in life? How will your spouse fit in it?
5b. What are the things you wish to accomplish in future?
6. What was the marriage between your parents like?
7a. Are you spiritual? what is your level of spirituality
7b. What do you think about Islamic marriage?
8. What is the role of a husband? What is the role of a wife? what is the role of a father?
9. What do you think about women right in Islam?
10. what is your understanding of cheating? What is your opinion on it?
11. What do you think about polygamy? How do you think it should be practiced?
12. Do you want to practice polygamy?
13. How do you plan on making provision for your parents?
14. What is your relationship with your parents?
15. How do you expect your prospective spouse to relate to your family?
16. How do you expect your relationship with the family your prospective spouse to be?
17. What is your housing plan for your future family?
18. Do you plan on having your family member live with you after marriage?
19. Do you have a job? Where is your place of work?
20. Who are your friends? Why and how did you become friends?
21. How will you resolve misunderstanding with your spouse?
22. What do you do when you have wronged and offended your spouse?
23. Why do you wish to marry me?
24. Will you support your wife’s dream, life goals and desire to work?
KNOWING THE WORTHINESS OF YOUR PROSPECTIVE SPOUSE
1. Have I done a thorough background investigation on him?
2. Is he God fearing?
3. Is his spirituality compatible with mine?
4. How does he treat the people around him?
5. Is he responsible?
6. Does he take responsibility for his wrongdoing in action and words or blame?
7. Is he understanding and compassionate?
8. Does he respect my family? Does he respect me? Does he respect and value my opinion?
9. Do I know his family?
10. Does his family know about me?
11. Can I tolerate his flaws for a lifetime?
12. Have they accepted me?
13. Does he know your worth and appreciate you?
14. How does he react when angry?
The above questions might not cover all you need to ask but it’s a starting point. If you find this helpful or have a friend seeking for a spouse, kindly share with them